MY CRUSH 2

27 Nov 2012 - 09:02:33 am
This was actually a very bad idea. History was repeating itself and i was a big fool by playing to it. You wouldn't believe what i was doing....... Arranging and rearranging my room because Eric was on his way. Eric! Eric! Eric! The devil who never ceased popping up in my dreams. The idiot who had to resurface just when i thought i had gotten over him and moved on with my life.
Our earlier conversation kept replaying in my mind.
"khryztie, you've become more beautiful" He was saying with a toe-curling smile. I wiggled my toes accordingly, wondering whether he knew his beauty was actually offensive. Its just wrong that he still had this kind of power over me. I checked my wrist watch.
"thanks for the drink but i have to go." I was almost on my way when he started to say "i bet you do, but do me this favour." i sat back. "let me have your address so i can come by and put you to bed."
" put me to bed?" i was almost screaming. " who the hell do you think you are? You think you can just fall back from the moon, find your way back into my heart and mess things up for me? Well, you better do a re-think. You may be Mr. Georgous and sexy but you've got a new khryztie to deal with. Screw you" thumbs up. I got my confidence back.
"khryztie wait. You've gotten it all......" i didnt wait to hear the end of it nor to see the pains stroking his face. I grabbed my handbag, nearly knocking down the table and off i went.
I marched straight to the comfort of my pillow,releasing hot tears into it, wondering whether i had gotten it all wrong or right.
My phone vibrated in my hand, waking me up from my crying nap. I checked the caller id: unknown.
"hello"
"khryztie!" my heart somersaulted. It was Eric.
" what! How did you get...... Eric" i was totally surprised and confused.
"khryztie please dont end the call, just hear me out first. I'm really sorry if i bounced back on you so hard. I seriously didnt plan for it to happen like this. God knows i've always prayed to see you again, hoped to make up for the wrongs i've done. I've long waited for this outfit and now that it has landed on me, it hurts that i'm causing you pains all over again. I sincerely want to apologise. I am sorry. If you want to be left alone, i promise never to bother you again." Gracious father! Who could stand such a speech?
"Does your offer still stands?"
"Are you kidding me?"
"i just thought the apology will be more appreciated when i'm looking at your face. And you better do it appropriately else i'm going to spank you real hard"
" No one ever died of a cute spanking. See you in minutes" i could sense him winking. God this guy is cute. I texted him my address.
That was my present state of action. Eric was on his way, and trust me, on his way wasn't far from now. I couldn't settle on what to wear. I tried every sexy and attractive dress i had but was still not satisfied. And why the hell was i trying to be attractive? This was a guy i should be avoiding and not attracting.
I heard a slight knock on the door. I answered the door and wow! I felt a key turn in my chest. I swallowed. He was everything you lie down on a lonely night and dream about. I could barely stand the colour in his eyes as he looked at me. I looked away. His cologue diffused my room.
" my God! Khryztie, you look awesome" his eyes said he meant it. I was embarrassed.
"Look, i'm sorry for my earlier......." He didnt let me finish that. He took my lips in his. End of story. He took me in his arms, took some steps in and skilfully closed the door with his legs. That's a guy that's in for business. Dont ask me what happened, incase my parents drop by.
I woke up in his arms when i heard a voice calling out for me behind the door. Holiest of all craps! FRANK. How could i forget that i was expecting him? There was no time to hide anybody or answer questions as my boyfriend, Frank turned the door knob and came in. Looking at his beloved girlfriend in the arms of another man.
THE END

If you were in my place, how would you explain the situation? Dear Frank, its not what you think. This is an old crush who just bumbed in looking hotter than i left him. What would you do?
Admin · 133 views · 6 comments
Categories: gossip, Diary

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Comments

Comment from: emyo [ Member ] Website
End? Are you kidding me?
   2012-11-27 @ 06:17:17 pm
Comment from: emyo [ Member ] Website
End? Are you kidding me?
   2012-11-27 @ 06:18:37 pm
Comment from: Admin [ Member ]
Wish i was
   2012-11-28 @ 06:06:00 am
Comment from: George Shadow [ Visitor ] Website
Okay Christy, I think I like what you wrote and my review will be in two parts. First, I will show you the good things you achieved with this write-up, and then I will show you the not-so-good things you did, okay? I just hope I have that permission to be vey blunt with you because that is the best way to critique a write-up like MY CRUSH.

The first good thing you did was to finish and post this piece. Believe me, it is not easy to overcome writer's block, have that determination to finish a work, and then post it for others to read, so I give you credit for that.
Another good thing you did was to start the story the way you did. 'The Aliens are here...' Wow! I like the way you connected a crazy fantasy like Aliens to a down-to-Earth experience like a dream. It grabbed my attention the instant I started reading and that was the biggest achievement your opening lines got for you, so another credit for this goes to you. That shows you have that artistic flare of wild freedom and it's a good thing because it means you have what it takes to be world class. How you go about achieving this, however depends entirely on you.
The third thing I think you did well with this piece is the way you ended the story? The boyfriend coming in to meet his girl in the arms of another guy? The bombshell! I must say you ended with a bang. Of course you did many other things so well, but I think I can now move to the second part of this review.

The piece could have done better if you have narrated in the present. What I mean is writing as if it is happening now? For example, I have re-written the first few paragraphs to drive home my point:


The aliens are here. I can bet my life on it. What is worse? They have invaded my room. Oops! The alien queen is on me. Silky and hairy. Her arms wrap lovingly around my stomach. Big black eyes stare deeply into mine. She is fully dressed in a white coat that has red fur lined from the sleeves. And she is whispering into my ears. Yank! I push her away from my body. My eyes spring open and my head release banging shots. What da heck! It is my cat-shaped alarm that is buzzing loudly on the lamp stand. It is 7:30 a.m. on a Saturday. My eyes move round the room and everything is in place except Elmo who lies helplessly on the floor. Oh, poor Elmo! Reduced to an alien queen by my minds' eyes. Thanks to the horror movie I watched the previous night!
Reaching down, I grab Elmo by the ear and pull her into my shaking arms. She is my teddy bear and best friend. A gift from Frank. And thinking of Frank, I am actually expecting him later on in the day, so I better hurry and finish my chores before the time arrives!
Pulling Elmo into a tight embrace, we cuddle on the bed. Jeez! I've never met a jealous clock like the one I had. The alarm blares up again. Louder than ever. 'Well! You can't treat me like a trash can. I am also a part of this household and equally has a duty to perform!' the angry clock is screaming. I jump out of bed frustrated and tuck Elmo in. Doctor says she needs enough rest after her treatment the day before, so I decide to go out today without her by my side.
It is Saturday and I know I have to go shopping. Besides, from the emptiness of my storage cart, it is obviously obvious that I have to go shopping, else I will be unbelievably screwed. It is indeed going to be a long day, although I am yet to find out how long. Anyway! First thing's first.
God! I hate hangovers! My entire room and the fullness thereof revolves around my eyes. Banging my head wall to wall, I find my way to the bathroom. Just a few bottles and see how stupid I have become!
Done with bathing, satisfied with make-up, I struggle into my pencil skirt and shirt, grab my bogus and empty handbag and kiss Elmo goodbye.
What is the world turning into? Abakaliki also experiences traffic jams? Saturday is always a disaster! Angry drivers blare horns at each other, increasing the rate of pollution, not to talk of global warming. Oh well...
One instruction I give myself this crispy Saturday morning is to go solo. Ignore my consanguinity. No Friends today. No broad smile greetings! Only do my shopping and zap out. But as I am going through my shopping list the twentieth time after closely obeying this rule for some time, a voice goes straight through me!
"Looks like you might do with some help." I turn around to see if this statement is actually meant for me, and a total hottie wearing a long-sleeved buttoned-down shirt atop a pair of faded jeans and beneath a killer grin stares back at me. Perfect! Just when I think my Saturday resolution is going well, here stands Mr. Handsome! That isn't all. His smoking smile is immediately replaced with surprise. Why is he starring at me, right inside my eyes with this intensity of shock?
"Khriztie!" It is more of a whisper.

Okay, hope you get the picture with my revamp above, but bottomline is this: if you want to write a story, either you stick with the present tense or the past tense throughout the story's lenght. Your story had both tenses and this could become very tasking for any English reader.
Now, another thing I noticed is that your "I" for the storyteller was a small letter all the way. It should be a capital letter.
And then some your paragraphs did not start in a seperate line from the previous one. The trick is to know when you start narrating a different event in a story and determine if this should be a separate paragraph. I hope you got the above. Could have writtn out more points for you but for want of time. Nice story. I loved it. Will be reviewing BABY BUSH ASAP. Take care and be safe.

George Shadow is the author of The Last Consort.
Visit his blog: www.georgeshadow.blogspot.com
www.lastconsort.blogspot.com
   2012-11-30 @ 12:19:10 am
Comment from: fiona [ Visitor ]
Oooooops!
   2012-11-30 @ 01:28:31 pm
Comment from: fiona [ Visitor ]
See loooove....(chuckles)
   2012-11-30 @ 01:40:05 pm

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